“Critique please” –Part 3
In Part 2 we introduced the concept of אוהב את התוכחות and claimed that the “critique seeker”[1] has undoubtedly entered this class. In Part 3 we will break down the “critique seeker” into different sub-categories.
Let’s begin with a mashal. It has been said that it is easier to die על פי קידוש ה' than to live על פי קידוש ה'. One can fight against all of his senses and make the one time decision to die. Living day in, day out, the right way requires, in a certain sense, more strength. In a similar way one can collect himself for that one time request for input. However, to happily receive critique from unexpected sources and at unexpected times requires a greater level of אהבת התוכחה.
These are two sub-categories of the “critique seeker”- the one who asks for it after much emotional preparation and the one who seeks critique without specifically asking or preparing for it. He is always prepared and always seeking it out. Let’s name these subcategories “the basic critique seeker” and the "the perennial critique seeker”. The perennial critique seeker will also accept criticism not offered in the kindest, most comfortable way. He is interested in the truth and sees others input as a gift. If someone gave us a $1000 bill in an unfriendly way we would take it with a smile. To him, others input is a $1000 bill.
There is a higher level than "the perennial critique seeker”. One is not just prepared and looking for other’s input. This person searches deeply and finds ביקורת where another person would never see it. He is the “quintessential critique seeker”. The perennial critique seeker looks for and accepts clear input of others, but he can also overlook a cue. When a friend subtly hints he has been offended the quintessential critique seeker immediately hears the criticism. He will learn not just from other people. He will take advice from the things that happen to him to and what goes on in the world. Everywhere there is a lesson for him.[2]
He misses nothing because he really loves other’s input. When we really love something we don’t miss a beat. A child knows where to find the chocolate his mother has hidden. The smallest indication from his mother is immediately capitalized upon.
This is the level I imagine the בעלי מוסר reached.
Hopefully clarifying these categories will help us grow in this area. To test our level we should notice what we do and what we feel when receiving critique. Do we outwardly push away other’s input or not. Furthermore, what goes on inside of us? Do we get fidgety and “hot under the collar” or do we stay calm and even feel somewhat happy?
By observing ourselves we can acquire an accurate reading on where we are holding. We can know the next level to reach by familiarizing ourselves with the categories and sub-categories.
(a full listing of the 4 categories and 14 sub-categories follows)
“Critique please”
In summation, there are 4 major categories which break down to 14 sub-categories
Category #1- REJECTION rejection has 3 sub-categories:
a) Angry rejection- “how could he say such a thing”, “she is the one with the problem”, “he is a …” or “that’s absolutely not true”
b) Passive rejection- no anger but clear rejection none the less
c) Friendly rejection- we respond politely but are plainly rejecting the critique
Category #2 - CONSIDERATION consideration has 4 sub-categories:
a) Resentful consideration - As offended as we may be, we will consider
b) “Cringing” consideration – the very idea makes us cringe [like the title of this piece] but we will consider
c) Neutral consideration – we aren’t emotionally moved and we will consider
d) Appreciative consideration- we appreciate that someone offers us a critique
Category #3- ACCEPTANCE acceptance has 4 sub-categories
a) resentful acceptance – we have trained ourselves to accept criticism immediately, but still resent the giver of the critique
b) “cringing” acceptance- we accept but cringe while doing so
c) neutral acceptance –unemotional acceptance
d) appreciative acceptance – accepts immediately with appreciation
Category #4 – CRITIQUE SEEKING critique seeking has 3 sub-categories:
a) basic critique seeking- will approach others for input after preparation
b) perennial critique seeking –is always on the look-out for input and will take it from unexpected sources and at unexpected times
c) quintessential critique seeking- will happily pick up on the smallest hint that something he is doing isn’t correct. He doesn’t need critique to be offered in a friendly, comfortable way
[1] someone who asks others for critique
[2] Rav Shlomo Friefeld said that his famed rebbe, Rav Hutner, was the biggest Masmid there was because he learned from everything (Reb Shlomo)
(Please send comments and questions, to rdsvaad@gmail.com.)
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In Part 2 we introduced the concept of אוהב את התוכחות and claimed that the “critique seeker”[1] has undoubtedly entered this class. In Part 3 we will break down the “critique seeker” into different sub-categories.
Let’s begin with a mashal. It has been said that it is easier to die על פי קידוש ה' than to live על פי קידוש ה'. One can fight against all of his senses and make the one time decision to die. Living day in, day out, the right way requires, in a certain sense, more strength. In a similar way one can collect himself for that one time request for input. However, to happily receive critique from unexpected sources and at unexpected times requires a greater level of אהבת התוכחה.
These are two sub-categories of the “critique seeker”- the one who asks for it after much emotional preparation and the one who seeks critique without specifically asking or preparing for it. He is always prepared and always seeking it out. Let’s name these subcategories “the basic critique seeker” and the "the perennial critique seeker”. The perennial critique seeker will also accept criticism not offered in the kindest, most comfortable way. He is interested in the truth and sees others input as a gift. If someone gave us a $1000 bill in an unfriendly way we would take it with a smile. To him, others input is a $1000 bill.
There is a higher level than "the perennial critique seeker”. One is not just prepared and looking for other’s input. This person searches deeply and finds ביקורת where another person would never see it. He is the “quintessential critique seeker”. The perennial critique seeker looks for and accepts clear input of others, but he can also overlook a cue. When a friend subtly hints he has been offended the quintessential critique seeker immediately hears the criticism. He will learn not just from other people. He will take advice from the things that happen to him to and what goes on in the world. Everywhere there is a lesson for him.[2]
He misses nothing because he really loves other’s input. When we really love something we don’t miss a beat. A child knows where to find the chocolate his mother has hidden. The smallest indication from his mother is immediately capitalized upon.
This is the level I imagine the בעלי מוסר reached.
Hopefully clarifying these categories will help us grow in this area. To test our level we should notice what we do and what we feel when receiving critique. Do we outwardly push away other’s input or not. Furthermore, what goes on inside of us? Do we get fidgety and “hot under the collar” or do we stay calm and even feel somewhat happy?
By observing ourselves we can acquire an accurate reading on where we are holding. We can know the next level to reach by familiarizing ourselves with the categories and sub-categories.
(a full listing of the 4 categories and 14 sub-categories follows)
“Critique please”
In summation, there are 4 major categories which break down to 14 sub-categories
Category #1- REJECTION rejection has 3 sub-categories:
a) Angry rejection- “how could he say such a thing”, “she is the one with the problem”, “he is a …” or “that’s absolutely not true”
b) Passive rejection- no anger but clear rejection none the less
c) Friendly rejection- we respond politely but are plainly rejecting the critique
Category #2 - CONSIDERATION consideration has 4 sub-categories:
a) Resentful consideration - As offended as we may be, we will consider
b) “Cringing” consideration – the very idea makes us cringe [like the title of this piece] but we will consider
c) Neutral consideration – we aren’t emotionally moved and we will consider
d) Appreciative consideration- we appreciate that someone offers us a critique
Category #3- ACCEPTANCE acceptance has 4 sub-categories
a) resentful acceptance – we have trained ourselves to accept criticism immediately, but still resent the giver of the critique
b) “cringing” acceptance- we accept but cringe while doing so
c) neutral acceptance –unemotional acceptance
d) appreciative acceptance – accepts immediately with appreciation
Category #4 – CRITIQUE SEEKING critique seeking has 3 sub-categories:
a) basic critique seeking- will approach others for input after preparation
b) perennial critique seeking –is always on the look-out for input and will take it from unexpected sources and at unexpected times
c) quintessential critique seeking- will happily pick up on the smallest hint that something he is doing isn’t correct. He doesn’t need critique to be offered in a friendly, comfortable way
[1] someone who asks others for critique
[2] Rav Shlomo Friefeld said that his famed rebbe, Rav Hutner, was the biggest Masmid there was because he learned from everything (Reb Shlomo)
(Please send comments and questions, to rdsvaad@gmail.com.)
If you would like to receive these Avodah thougths every 2 weeks sign up at
http://rdsvaadim.com/subscribe/