HAKPADA- INTERNALIZED ANGER AND PAIN, GRUDGES AND RESENTMENT.
Rav Yisrael Salanter said that this mida is like chometz on Pesach and one must remove every bit.
Why is this mida so bad?
* -Doesn't leave room for rectifying the situation because the offender does not realize he did anything wrong.
*The intent- impact discrepancy only
*-May feel good that I have a power- I'm not showing anger outwardly. No embarrassments that usually is yhe result of getting angry.
*People who have internal anger often suffer from physical ailments.
*Most important- May lead to an issur deoraysa of לא תשנא את אחיך בלבבך ויקרא יט
.משנה סנהדרין "שונא- כל שלא דבר
עמו ג ימים מתוך איבה"
R' Amsterdam- we should think- what is my mission in life? This will help us banish the need to spend a lot of time thinking of offenses.
Play on the word מקפיד/ הקפדה
Lady very מקפיד to match her accesories. But if she sees a child drowning outside she will drop her hakpados and run and save the child!
Therefore תכלית החיים is the antidote to הקפדה.
We should say- we don't have time to dwell on these petty things. Life has bigger things that must be accomplished.
Anger =Aggressive communication- Letting off steam. Blaming... Start off by saying one thing that angered you and throw in a few more things, uncontrolled. "Recycling the garbage of their relationship.”
Passive communication- הקפדה. Characterized by the unwillingness to share true thoughts, opinions and feelings. This leaves the other party feeling angry ,confused and mistrustful because you are giving mixed messages. You say that everything is fine when it is really not. It is a barrier to true intimacy.
HOW DO WE RESOLVE HAKPADA?
Tool #1-ויתור- "DROPPING THE MEASURING STICK"
מסכת ראש השנה יז ״כל המעביר על מדותיו, מעבירין לו על כל פשעיו״
רשי - "אינו מדקדק למדוד מידה למצערין אותו ומניח מידותיו והולך"
Don't let things build up. Let it crumble as it comes.
Don't measure the pain being caused to you.
One type of measuring is injustice collecting. Measuring your behavior or your standards against the other's lower standard.
Ex- I always call her and she never calls me.
Scoreboards are usually tipped in favor of the scorekeeper.
Another type of measuring would be rehashing and obsessing about the incident.
Alter of Kelm- why overpay every time you relive the pain? Its like paying $100 for a $10 item!!
To forgive a person with your full heart you must drop the measuring stick . Dropping the measuring stick isn't because you're weak and you let people walk all over you but you make a conscious decision to rise above the other's error . If we do this, ה׳ will not measure us when we do something wrong
TOOL # 2. CONVERSATION תוכחה
Calmly, not harsh, making it clear that the conversation is for his good and for the good of the relationship.
Sandwich method -start with a compliment or positive statement, then a thin slice of the תוכחה, then close it with a positive statement.
When do we use תוכחה?
When ויתור isn't working or when the person will repeat the behavior and be a constant offender. In this case not informing him could be a
"״ לפני עור לא תתן מכשול "
Rav Uri Weisblum - Tochacha is about clarification. A calm composed self wants to clarify without an emotional agenda. We want to show the person in a clear way where he is going wrong so he can change something. We must be coming from a loving place and plant love in the heart of the recipient. We are not trying to stab or sting a person.
Kli Yakar- Tochacha is more prevalent at times of ahavas yisroel because then people trust each others integrity and intentions.
Time, place and tone must be right
When dealing with an angry person- don't ask them why they're angry. Rather ask-"What's hurting you, bothering you?"
When trying to discuss something- Align yourself with the person by having a common goal.Ex- "we both want to work this out..." and then gently direct the conversation towards the point you would like to make, but make sure to present it as your subjective experience "I feel that. ." "..it seems to me...". If the person remembers the situation differently, do not attribute it to dishonesty rather differences in perception or memory.
Assume that the person is NOT out to get you.
Don't exaggerate! "You always offend me"
Don't leave a conversation hanging, at least leave a person with some kind of closure including reassurance that later you will continue and solve it.
Deescalation! Very important. Know how to bring the heat down and calm the conversation. If it is getting intense try to diffuse the intensity with a compliment , a joke, or even taking a break to get a drink. Put a human dimension back into the conversation, tell the person that you care and i"yh you hope that things will be good. All of these techniques have to be used when appropriate and not in a way that is annoying.
Be prepared for a role reversal when the other party explains how YOU are also contributing to the problem.. Model mature acceptance of tochacha!!
Tool #3 אמונה/בטחון -
חובות הלבבות שער הבטחון
When a human being inflicts suffering ,
he is a shaliach from ה׳.
Turn "Why is he doing this to me?" (tone of anger, frustration ) into
"Why is HE doing this to me? (tone of speculation, contemplation)
Focus on your relationship with ה׳ when something happens and take the person that hurt you out of your focus. Think vertically instead of horizontally, this builds your emotional resilience .
If someone gets offended and doesn't offend they are lovers of Hashem! ״נעלב ואינו מעליב. ״It's an opportunity to get closer to Hashem.
Tool #4- תפילה Ask ה׳ to help you remove the הקפדה and not be consumed with it.
Brain plasticity - the ability to weaken the neuropathways. Naturally they will weaken over time, but you are asking Hashem to speed up the process by distracting you with other (good) things to think about.
Davening is helpful on two levels:
1. You are asking for siyata dishmaya in ruchniyus.
2. You are showing that on an emotional and psychological level you are ready to part with the hakpada. You are not holding on to it for any side benefit like being the wronged party, the martyr etc
Humor- בדיחות הדעת
עלי שור חלק שני / הרב וולבה
This is a mida that combines intelligence and love. The ability to observe the situation from the outside, from the audience as opposed to being a player in it.
"זוהי מידה שיש בה חמלה על קשיי יום, סלחנות לחלושי הדעת .....עין חדה לחולשות בני אדם אך מבלי לזלזל בערכם"
This is not exactly humor in that it is not funny . It is a lighter perspective that is obtained when you reflect on a situation , and ask yourself what is causing the person to act this way and try to be psychologically insightful while still maintaining a loving attitude towards the person.
Intelligence + love = humor
I apologize if I forgot to include anything in this summary.